"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -- Leo Tolstoy

Some homeless guy kept repeating that the other day on the train and I can't get it out of my head. I figured that I'd share that with you and we could have a moment. I lost my f#*king temp job! Okay, I got fired – I think. Last night I got a phone call from Supreme Legal and they told me that the firm “wanted to go in another direction.” The worst part about it - I got the call while out shopping for sneakers. Right after I signed the $127.39 receipt (hey I bought a t-shirt too), I get this bloodclot call. I had been working there for three months and really got used to the routine:

1. Wake up at 6:55am, get showered and dressed.
2. Run to the train station because I went back to sleep and woke up at 7:58am
3. Get to work 15 minutes late
4. Sit at my desk, put on my headphones, tune to NPR and review 10,000 documents for attorney-client privilege for 11 hours.

It was great, I was making good coin and I even had a regular lunch spot. Oh well, back to the Maury Povich show. Today Sean jumped out of his seat and sang White Tee by Dem Franchise Boyz when he found out he wasn't the father of Tanya's baby. I have a 22 ounce bottle of Steel Reserve 211 under my bed. It's cheap, gets you drunk and really helps melt the early afternoon hours away – I should have bought two.

When lying down in my childhood bedroom drinking cheap malt liquor, I often think about turning to a life of crime. How bad could it be? I am actually a pretty smart guy when I challenge myself and people like me. Maybe I could sell junk bonds like Giovanni Ribisi in Boiler Room. Or I could set up my own pyramid scheme and trick old people into giving me their savings. Hmmmm? No, crime is a little too messy and a black man can only get away with doing something illegal for about 6 weeks before getting caught.

The best job I ever had was in law school. I worked at ABCNEWS as an operator. I was the person people talked to when they had a complaint about Nightline or This Week. Crazy people used to call in all the time. There was this one particular lunatic that was especially entertaining – Charles Jackson. He used to call in about 30 or 40 times a night and complain that Carole Simpson had been “going inside of his head” and stealing stories about aliens and Lucifer – too funny. After I got tired of talking to the guy I would forward the call to Sharon and she would pretend to be Carole Simpson's personal assistant.

I'm going to give Sharon a call right now, I think that I've drank enough to be cool. I should ask if she wants to hang out after work. I'm dialing, the phone is ringing:

Sharon: Hello?
Me: Put the lotion in the basket. Put the lotion in the F#*KING
basket!!!
Sharon: Charles!
Me: I figured that you were on your lunch break, what up?
Sharon: I am eating sushi.
Me: Spicy tuna roll?
Sharon: Yup.
Me: So f#*king predictable.
Sharon: Hey I'm smart, my co-worker found a condom baked into her cupcake.
Me: Yuck. Sounds like a lawsuit.
Sharon: Ya. Anyway I haven't talked to you in a while, guess what?
Me: Your pregnant.
Sharon: No but you're close.
Me: You won the lottery.
Sharon: I'm engaged!

This is bad, not only is this bad but embarrassing. Why did I break up with this chick? She was perfect. Remember that beautiful girl in your high school chemistry class? The one that would never talk to you, but was so nice and everyone loved. Give that girl a primo ass and you had Sharon. Where's my bloody Steel Reserve?

Me: Great so you're marrying...what's his name – Karamo?
Sharon: Ha Ha. His name is Owen - hater.
Me: Not me, I'm happy for you two.
Sharon: Look Femi, I just got a call on the other line. I'm having a dinner party next week, I know you hate that kind of thing but please come out.
Me: I'm there dude. I'll wear my purple and white button-up with matching fitted hat.

I'm so fake. Why couldn't I just say “I can't believe that you could get engaged less than a year after we broke up.” The television version of me would run to her house in the middle of the night during a blizzard and tell her that I love her. Of course the television version of me is a f#*king biznitch. I'd rather suffer in silence, it makes me more interesting. That's something you reveal when you are too old to do anything about it. Wait, she got a call on the other line and bumped me off. We haven't talked in weeks! Oh god she's going to marry Karamo. I bet she says stuff about him like “he's so cute, he dresses so cool but he doesn't spend more time getting ready then me.” B#stard! Guys like that always want to get married, I bet when they first met he said “Hello my name is Karamo and I'd like to marry you.” Hold on my dad is knocking at the door:

Me: Ya
Pops: Hey boy I bought these Hawaiian shirts from Men's Warehouse, buy one get one free. This one is yours.
Me: Thanks.
Pops: I got you an application from the postoffice.
Me: I'm going to sleep.